I’ve been struggling with massive writer’s block lately.

I wouldn’t say it is imposter syndrome: I’ve been touched by how supportive and encouraging the bright minds in the EMBA program have been every time I’ve shyly shared my writing goals and aspirations. It is easy to have big dreams when surrounded by the brightest of minds, each of whom is dreaming the biggest of dreams.

It does contain fear: I want this so badly, I can almost taste it. However, I’ve been burned badly in the past, by revealing my stories to people who had not earned the right to hear them, both online and in my non-virtual life. It is scary: the digital world can be ruthless, and the stakes are higher now that I have a career, a reputation and (dare I say) a brand at risk. My livelihood is at stake if I mess this up; my authenticity, joy and self-respect are damaged if I do not pursue this wholeheartedly.

But mostly, my writer’s block contains truth and instinct: over the years, I’ve learned that when the words do not come, it is because I am trying to control the narrative instead of putting myself in service of that which needs to be told. I do not choose what to write, the stories choose me. The more I design plans, metrics and outcomes, the less I am quietening myself to hear the whispers that must be fostered into a clear and compelling voice.

The accountant in me is outraged! Plans, metrics and outcomes keep the world spinning, providing safety and prosperity for all. I just spent 17 months at a prestigious business school studying strategy & execution: “Where are we now, Where are we going and why, How do we get there?” Results and performance, all day every day. The sign of mismanagement is poorly allocated resources and wasted efforts. I might not be a good manager (yet), but I’ve spent the last decade and a hefty chunk of change learning all the ways to not be a bad one. A good manager listens, and makes space for the different personalities and strengths of each team member to shine. In other words, a good manager integrates rather than assimilates. It is time I integrate my different selves.

Businessy-Accountanty June breaks into hives at the thought of going with the flow, whereas Writer June knows that silence, peace and faith are needed to build a strong writing practice. Businessy-Accountanty June is very relieved that Writer June believes that “Discipline is a Choice“, and has been working hand in hand with Writer June to test out various daily routines and habit-stacks that create dedicated time slots for writing. Accountant June is building out a KPI dashboard about sleep habits, morning wake-up times, and compliance with writing sessions, as a salve to the writing hives that just won’t go away. In Excel, with pretty colours. You think I’m joking – I’m not. There is 0% chance I navigate this writing journey without at least 15 different spreadsheets: I built my 3rd one today.

Writer June watches Accountant June go, and rolls her eyes fondly. Writer June tells me there are more stories than the ones my mother left me in the form of books, even if I incorporate her stories into my own. I am called to find my voice; I must write, write as much as I can as often as I can, and trust that I will know what is mine to tell and what is not. Most importantly, Writer June tells me to have faith that if I do the work – if I am disciplined – the words that currently escape me will show up and the stories that need to be told will reveal themselves. Businessy-Accountanty June stares at her empty dashboard in dismay.

So there you have it. My writer’s block is blocking me because I have more work to integrate my two selves. It is a protective mechanism, instead of the indicator of inadequacy that I first took it to be. I suspect bookinheritance.com will morph soon, to make space for the many different stories which will reveal themselves as I become more consistent in my morning routine. For starters, junesvetlovsky.com is no longer a domain available for sale – stay tuned!